THE PRIMAL FART                                                             

    “It’s everywhere, everywhere, in all echelons of our social structure,” the chief sociologist, Victor Shrink heatedly declared.

   “Current statistics show up to ninety percent of our Western society are on some form of drugs to get them through the day. This is a challenging and threatening statistic.”

   “Who gives a stuff?” his assistant, Julia Blonde retorted, “There’s nothing new ‘bout people on drugs.  They’ bin using drugs since de dark ages, and prob’ly earlier, you gotta match, me durrie’s[1]gone out.”

   Meanwhile, in a far away, distant southern village, where the chill of winter slowly strangles all social interaction and activity: blue, toxic smoke rose, like a magician’s blanket, above the sprawling, red tiled roofs; waiting to tarnish lungs and windows with grey offal. Brown roofs, old grey, slate roofs, edged with mould and ice; spread across the landscape, hiding brick and stone houses reclining, choking, ‘neath this health crushing pall of pollution, now uglyfying pristine clarity.

   “Did you know that a roofer is not a person who applies roofs, (or rooves?), but is a letter of thanks for entertainment, sent by a departed visitor?” asked an unknown alien visitor who re-appears later in this report.

   “No, I didn’t, but thanks for letting us know.”

    Smoke crawls out of chimneys; dirty, smelly effigies of fantasy santa klaws, choking the crystal stillness of Davenport. It is Sunday evening, unless it is some other time, but who really knows anymore, everything looks the same. The skies are either black as pitch or a dark, polluted shade of black, just a little lighter, and that’s in the morning, you can’t see it at night.

    We members of this last generation of hybrid humans, stepped into the new world with eyes tightly shut, hoping against all hope that it will look different to the place we so recently departed, Melbourne.

   In the background a grating, whining, artificial female voice moans through the P.A., sounding much like the A.B.C. “Please keep moving. Keep to the left. Have your ticket ready for disposal.”

   “Excuse me, do you have a light?” asks an educated female voice from the darkness. “I really need a light; just a little light, please, oh God, please, light, I need some light!”

   “Smoking or use of incendiary devices is strictly forbidden in meetings of this kind. Please sit down” the usher requested, the tone of his voice denying any hope of refusal.

   The plaintive, all but whimpering voice emitted a gargling sort of noise and faded into the sound effects box. 

    “Hi Fill, it’s good to see you, I’m glad you are able to attend. We were concerned you might not be able find the place. How was your trip? Would you like a drink?” said and asked Dr. Windsome at the same time. (he’s multi-skilled)

    “Yes thanks Elwin, the flight was great, we couldn’t see anything fromSydney to Melbourne and coming over the Tasman was horrifically bumpy, life threatening; no worse than usual.”

   “Fantastic!” Fill enthusiastically continues, “This is shaping to be an explosive conference. We have delegates from all over the known world, and some from other places, but we’re not sure who they are.

   There’s doctor Felixity Dreadlock, R.I.P. of Interdialetic Confusion and the president of Hummerz Inc. Professor Peter Clix who will be doing tricks with Stix and Brix, her assistants, not to mention ….., are also on the guest speaker list. This is shaping to be one of the most exciting conferences held since the last one.

   Hopefully resolutions from this debate will lead to the extermination of all cows; bovine variety, as they are now the single greatest threat to mankind.” Dr. Windsome garrulously concluded.

   “Sounds exciting,” replied Dr. Bull. “Your awareness of the drasticity of the situation is expert and accurate. We’ve got to stop them, now, before they can do any more harm or we, as a specie, are wiped out.” Dr. Bull continues, walking studiously toward the podium.

    “The quantity of methane gas now entering the atmosphere via the eliminatory facets of the bovine population is exploding beyond all expectations. The effects on the climate are, as you can see, REDHOT and now’s the time to fight back.” The unknown alien commented to Mrs. Murgatroid Blurta, who was sitting in the adjoining seats

    “Do you believe this conference will be the means by which we will get the government and community to realise the drasticality of this situation and begin acting to resolve the problem?” asked an elegantly attired transvestite, of both, “Or do your governments procrastinate, lie and steal likes ours?”

   “Hallo, who are you? I’ve not seen you before. Are you with the Bovine Belligerent bunch or the Freedom to Fart movement?” Dr. Bull inquired

   “Hallo Dr. Bull, I am Ms. Wilful Liar, the local member/ess of Parliament. I was invited to attend by some local constituents, who are actively involved with the F.T.F”. Ms. Liar replies dubiously, continuing, “I’ve come to assess community concerns and report conclusions and resolutions of the meeting back to the party room, for their consideration. Though, I need warn you, there are many in the party contesting the ridiculous assertions that cows are the prime cause of the proposed extinction of all life on this planet.

   Who is there to confidently point to a philosophy, a theory, which will provide the answer to this flatulence question?”

   “If you will let me continue I will explain the theory of Farts,” Dr. Windsome began but is abruptly cut off

    “Excuse me, Professor,” a rude, ignorant and illiterate female A.B.C. journalist interposed, “you reckon there’s no difference betwixt the proof of existence and inability of our specie to prove we exist, as an individual entity, in time. Moreover, the human specie exists only as a figment of our or everybody else’s imaginations, simultaneously. That’s really heavy, do you have any evidence to support that theory?”

    “Can you prove that you exist, other than as a figment of some superior powers intellect; that you are not a ‘Pacman’ in a miniscule cosmic computer game?”

   He continues; “Our specie lives in this grandiose fantasy that we are somehow relevant to the overall intergalactic scheme. We only exist, in our mind, within this very limited dimension, and, you rude little twit, you can take that to your editor, if you can be sure he exists outside your imagination.” Dr. Windsome replies, “Do you want me to check your spelling for you?”

     “What is the basis of your assertion that the world is threatened with extinction by bovine boofing? Is there any basis to your argument that, unless we take immediate steps to implement the conversion of waste FARTS into re-useable energy, we are doomed?” another reporter, from the New York Crapper, asks Dr. Bull

    “You don’t have the slightest idea what I am talking about and don’t ask stupid questions. I’m not one of those malleable politicians nor church leaders, so ask sane questions or I’ll have you thrown out for disturbing the moment” Dr. Bull replies as he turns and stomps toward the pretend stage at the end of the hall

    “As I was saying, before being so overpoweringly interrupted, I’m Ms. Liar, from the local branch of the Anally Retentive Party, and we are seriously considering developing a policy on something, before the next election, possibly including whatever it is we are talking about today, thank you.” Ms. Wilful Liar muttered,

   “We believe it is everyone’s right to be inclusively included in the decisions being taken and to have major input into policy formulation. That’s what leadership is all about, letting the rank and file dictate our direction” she continues as she is brusquely pushed aside by the minders

    “Thank you, Ms. Liar; you will hear some challenging points of view on these important issues. We’re happy you could fit this meeting into your busy schedule of golf and overseas trips.” smiled Dr. Windsome.

    “If you would be good enough to follow Ms. Amanarsol, she will show you to your seat, unless you prefer to stand. There are tie rails around the walls if you feel out of place in the crowd.” said the F.T. F. representative, turning to welcome the next guest.

   The long carpet roll of red grass stretched from the start right through to the finish, which was drawing nearer the start as passing Bovine supporters nibbled it around the edges. At the end of the grass, on a podium levitating, three steps above the floor, a group of concerned citizens sat around a circular square table. The clever design is to avoid any confusion, for the citizens, and to prevent claims of favouritism or bias.

    ‘RAP, RAP, RAP!’ said the table as the Chair-thing hit it with a worn out, fake leather shoe.

    “Ladies, gentlemen and others. Welcome to the annual, or is it bi-annual Concerned Citizens Council Convention, or, in an affable acronym, The Four SEAS, sorry, C’s.

   Today we will hear from a number of ex-stinguished speakers; experts in their respective fields, expounding the perceived consequences of uncontrolled Bovine Farting and the horrific effects this is having upon climatic conditions.

    Much of the information you will confront is, in the opinion of the F.T. F., nothing more than hot air.” Dr. Windsome continues,

   “Theories on the importance of wind control, various concepts on ways to alleviate the projected maximum wind production and some innovative tools to convert the excess waste air supply to either a marketable mulch, an advanced L. P. G. replacement, or to be bottled then dispatched to the Federal Parliament for re-cycling, are open for your consideration, analysis and comment.”

    ”You will hear from farmers and dairy producers who are concerned about these serious steps being suggested by certain parties, to control cows, as this will drastically impact on their industry.”

   “Our first speaker is Msr. Blare Flatulent.  Blare is the International Concerned Citizens Committee representative and is an expert on production and supply of convertible gasses, having studied in India, at a number of Curry Shops and the Brahman Institute.

    Blare graduated from Griffitee Universityin 1998, where she completed a Mistress in Wind Tunnels and Dynamic Effects of Olfactory Bombardment.Ladies and gentlemen, Blare Flatulent.”

    “Thank you Mr. Speaker. It is good to be here and I hope we may, during our meeting, be able to air some diverse opinions on the reality of obnoxious gasses and their re-cyclable potentials. It is suggested, in the opinions of assorted experts, that COWS are one of our society’s most under utilized sources of renewable energies and it is our responsibility, as a forward thinking society, to examine means by which we can overcome the waste of such vast quantities of natural gas.

    This is not only a matter of local concern, but is being addressed on an international level.

    Dr. of Divinity, Dr. Ucan Ripoff, from the Uniting Denominationalists, in his latest study of Sunday Congregational and Clerical Wind Production, along with research on the authenticity of this phenomena, determined the amount of wind produced in an average sermon or political speech could power an electricity generator, for eight hours, at NO cost to the community.

    Any situation where you have politicians, priests and the populace there is a phantastic opportunity to reap an invaluable quantity of renewable gasses that can be stored and utilised in power generation.

    His report on the ever increasing effects of wind production, especially in churches and parliament, published in the latest edition of Lance-it, re-iterated the dire need for us to do nothing before we act on this matter, or we could experience drastic socio-economic dysfunction in the Upper and Lower Asian areas.

    There are plans to appoint a varying number of committees and other perks to pretend we are taking this matter seriously, but there will be more on that later.

    The world’s religious leaders, although tentatively in agreement with proposals to connect every pulpit to the system being proposed, have grave concerns over possibilities of what they emit being recorded, exposing them to the threat of future litigation, as their comments may be held in evidence against them in various situations.

    Dr. Ripoff’s research establishes the importance of the F.T. F. Movements application to the Government for funding to nullify the excuses used by sociologists, to prevent a sharp up or down turn in the Natural Gas markets.

    This paper was tabled in the House of Representatives last Thursday and we are looking forward to some excessive olfactory responses, that will quantify the Government’s attitude to the situation”

    “As you may be aware” Blare continues, “politicians of all affiliations and church ministers of every denomination are the current world leaders in hot air production, not cows. Recent results of experiments conducted with the Queensland Youth Orchestra, where both the brass section and the woodwinds had their wind supplied through one of our subsidiary outlets, were encouraging. We had very interesting and supportive results to our gas re-cycling plans.

    At the end of the concert, the orchestra’s wind and brass section members were not in the slightest way hampered by breathing difficulties, nor shortness of breath, though some people in the audience required treatment bySt. John’sAmbulance officers for asphyxiation.

   This opens a new area for the re-cycling of Farts.

    Our concern is that planned Government cutbacks in funding will seriously jeopardize future studies in this area and will put the wind right back up a lot of cows’ business opportunities.

    Another relevant point for discussion is the significant psychological damage engendered throughout our community by our restrictive Fart Control Attitudes.

    Dr. Wolfgang Koohler, at a recent conference, proposed our community harbours a deep-seated complex about farting.

    He declares this sociological trauma is seriously damaging our children’s confidence and self esteem through our inconsistent standards displayed during our children’s growth cycle.
    A baby who farts loudly or burps is comforted, laughed at and encouraged to repeat the process on a consistent schedule. When the child reaches the age of five years, maybe more, maybe less, the attitude toward their farting or burping alters, is reversed, without any clear explanation of the change in parental attitudes.

   This is very confusing for a growing child and, Dr. Wolfgang suggests, such a traumatic turn around has the potential of doing serious psychological damage to a child.

    Dr. Wolfgang, in an hypothetical scenario proposed this traumatic reversal of acceptance could be the core in a child developing psychopathic tendencies.

    He went so far as to suggest that Ghengis Khan, Hannibal Lecter, Adolf Hitler, and every serious sociopath in our society’s short history could have been encouraged into such brutal behaviour, as a result of Fart restrictions enforced too early in life.

   Further research is needed in this scenario and is another reason the importance of this meeting is carried by all media outlets, with accent placed on the desperate need for more, larger, immediate funding!”

    Since GRASS is the chief reliable food source for many in the Bovine sector, we need look at ways we can increase the amount of Grass being consumed by the average COW, or at various other means of improving the resultant wind increases. There is considerable experimental work going on presently in genetically modified grains, with the aim of reducing the odouriferous side effects of farting. This area also offers challenges for researchers in development of higher gas producing GRASS, whilst striving to eliminate or at least quantifiably reduce toxic side effects.

   The Freedom to Fart movement plans to produce a steep upward curve in grass consumption, by cows, of these newly developed feed sources, as this will lead to increased wind production, and enhance our proposals for independent, local energy sources in the shortest possible time span.

   An alternative to the odour reduce feed lots is another proposal of Dr. Wolfgang’s which involves government provided PERSONAL, PORTABLE CATALYTIC CONVERTORS, with which whiffy wind can be neutralised.

   There has been a wide range of opinions expressed on techniques we need develop to collect and store Wind. Some suggestions of attaching flexible nylon hoses to the COW emission points and shipping the gas to a central storage area, though good on paper sadly neglects the possibilities of, no, the probabilities of 

1.COWS walking around and getting their respective hoses inextricably knotty.

2.The serious risk of pedestrians being knocked down by COWS who’s hoses have punctured, spinning around wildly, like balloons at a party.

3.The hazardous possibilities of Cows getting blockages that could cause them to explode, without warning.

    There was some concern expressed on this issue, as this could lead to utilization of Bovines as bombers for various Middle Eastern sects, especially in the middle East.

     A.S.I.O. agents suggest Inflated Cows, (I. C. ’s) could be surreptitiously floated into position, near buildings, sporting arenas, or other vital facilities and ignited, causing horrific damage and loss of life!

   Reports from American sources, C.I.A. and Georgei Blush, suggest there has been a marked increase in Bovine imports into Iran,Iraq,Saudi Arabia,Syria and Russia, and that the Russelites are developing inter-continental Bovine Delivery Systems (B. D. S.’s) to sell to assorted terrorist groups

     On the local front we are continuing development of our re-cycling systems and believe success in implementation is near. A wide range of alternative issues are undergoing stringent examination at our research facility, but we need more money.

    Another major project is designing the most practical and least obtrusive way of collecting the giant amount of hot air being expressed by priests, popes and politicians in their daily lives.

    There is considerable opposition to these proposals, regarding both cows and clergy from the Hindu population, but we at F.T. F. are sure we can smooth those ripples.

   Thank you, ladies, gentlemen and Bovine representatives. If there are any questions please feel free to contact us at F.T. F.”

        “Thank you Blare. Our next speaker, Mr. Dropsem Quietly, a well known speaker amongst the recyclable gas community will give us a short talk and demonstration on the values and dangers of re-cycling Farts. Please welcome Mr. Dropsem Quietly, people and others, Dropsem Quietly.”

    “Good evening or whatever, it’s good to be here and hopefully our time together will be mutually informative and encouraging.

    To follow up on some points expressed by Blare, we need consider the future of our nation, the world and our desire to maintain life on the planet. This will be a pro-active presentation, in which each of us will have an opportunity to experience our advanced ideas for re-cycling, and thus relieve the strain on this nation’s energy resources and costs.

    It is also important we do not lose sight of our projected goals and the need for rapid progress in this area lest we find ourselves trapped in an untenable situation. Each of you will notice that you are sitting on especially designed chairs, which have Fart absorbing pillows.

This is done to:

1 prevent any odoriferous intrusions on your neighbours

2 prevent any internal wind induced discomfort

3 demonstrate how you are free to fart, socially, with all wind produced being re-cycled, into a large balloon, located under the building.     

     This allows us to demonstrate how effectively our entire community can successfully and constructively utilise the emitted gasses.

    Please observe the”no smoking signs” and do not produce any naked lights. It is vital, remember, these gasses are flammable. 

    Since the beginning of recorded life, there have been innumerable  jokes made about Farts.

   They have been the butt of rude comments, and Farts have been socially unacceptable, but, now, the time has come for us to re-examine this amazing energy source that we have been allowing to blow away, for centuries.

   Although, as you heard from Blare, there is much work being done to corner the cow production area, we also need look at effective means to utilise the gas we produce, to help lighten the load on our overtaxed energy systems. We, YOU, can make a difference!

    Remember, we are sitting on a great energy supply system, one of the least utilized in the world, and it’s free. Development of a comprehensive Fart collection system will have dramatic results on the world economy in a very short space of time.

    We perceive our cities and towns soon equipped with street Fart Collection Points, discreetly located near restaurants, coffee shops and hotels. These will enable the entire community to get involved.

   We are considering, for our logo, the phrase:

                                “RELEASE AND BE GLAD.”

   We know there is great opposition to this concept, from both the oil producing nations and the Atomic Energy Commission, but it is imperative we learn to utilise the natural energy sources around us or we will shortly be right out of energy.

     Introduction of our new, highly developed Energy Source will see vast increases in primary production as we establish the most effective wind production foods; beans, onions, garlic, etc. This will boost primary production, as well as rural employment and will lead to an exciting increase in our global marketing opportunities.

    Australia, will soon lead the world in the development of Cow and People Fart Control systems. {C.P.F.C.’s}

    We are on the brink of a fantastic new industry, in whichAustralia will be at the forefront, as usual, in developing more sophisticated Fart collection and re-cycling techniques.

   Ladies and Gentlemen. This is the dawn of a new industrial era, using locally produced power sources; This is greater than the wheel.

     Already, as we sit here, we have produced two hundred cubic metres of wind.” Dropsem Quietly excitedly shouts, continuing, “We are even happier to advise that, together, you, I, we, while we have been sitting here, have provided the energy driving the generator to supply the lighting for this venue.”

      “Isn’t that fantastic” Blare seductively moans into the microphone.

     “Think what effect this would have on a system of generators, not windmills, by connecting the gas we already have in storage, to a generator turbine.” shouted an enthusiastic Tasmanian tree logger.

    “By the end of this conference, we should have produced sufficient energy to light the entire city for two days; with the wind collected, both from respective speakers and from the audience. Think what power is available once we get the Politicians in the federal government, the State governments, Council Chambers, LEGAL chambers, etc. hooked up. 

   The mind boggles when we consider the vast resources of wind being emitted from every denominational pulpit, legal office, courtroom, sales conferences. It is a limitless supply of hot air that can blow us, this nation, debt free, into the new millennia!

We can be the first nation to become completely energy independent.

“Hey, lady, you up the back, what are you doing? Don’t do it!” screamed Mr. Dropsem, as the lady previously mentioned enters through the back door, plaintively moaning, “Light, I got to get a light”.

Desperately she scratches a match across the side of a matchbox she found in the foyer.

 BOOM!

  © John R Nolan 21/8/04  

 

 

 


[1] Slang term for cigarette

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